27th January 2006,
It's 1.46pm. Just now had branch with Marcus at OFA (Old Free-school Association). Had nice chat with him regarding family matter. It's CNY mood. People has been discussing on what's the planning for CNY and how much bonus they get from the consultants. Patient workload is alright, not so many patients. Myself had been slowing down- quite bored, don't know what to do. Wanna go back- later 4.30pm got to make a point to leave hospital sharp- if there's no issue. Or else will be expected jam.
For the past few nites have been going out, just don't wanna stay home. What a change. Waiting for sis to come back- then holidays- normal- Chinese New Year has always be quiet one. May it be a time of rest, to refreshed, to catch up with old friends, and family reunion. Talking about family- just now brother called. He want to borrow RM1000 from me. What should I be feeling? It's not the matter of money. He has not been contributing to family expenses and I did not say anything about it, and now he wanted to borrow from me, Chinese New Year- borrow from his sister. How should I be feeling? Well- think positive, not to sway to the other side. Maybe he needed help. Well, what can I do? Myself also has been very thrifty, with the expenses and car maintenance, mum's insurans payment, housing maintenance and tax. Talking about money- it's somehow a sensitive issue. I can break a family ties if not handle well. One thing I see, mum's heart was hurt- when brother don't really contribute to expenses. Who wants to calculate with him, never, we never talk about money. But brother does. Sad case.
What Marcus said quite true- probably I just do my part tht's all. Have done my duty and love to care and take care of mum. Marcus said- girls still alright, coz when they find someone, the hubby can contribute to the finance. But guys a bit difficult, coz their burden will be tight. True in one sense, wrong in another. That's why girl usually choose for more secure man, a man that they can trust, a man that's stable. Well planned and stable. That is more of worldly point of view. What about Christian's view? A Godly man, man of faith. yes, it's much desired. Once- yet now I'm not sure anymore. What's the criteria I placed for my future life partner? Thinking about it make me wonder am I really prepared for any relationship? Church saying- when you're completely passionate with God then the relationship will come. Don't chase after it, not rush. I'm not rushing. Yeah, discussion last night with Roland and Benji quite interesting. They had placed high value on Spiritual women, women faith, women after God's own heart. I used to think that if a man love God very much then will be alright, everything will able to fit in nicely. Now I actually re-think on the truth. It's just so subjective. Therefore I should placed it aside. Let me heart be singled- is it singled for Him? Have not come to that part- the matter now is for me to discover my position in Him again. The rest come secondary. Yet, it's much struggles, when you're alone, lonely..with the age catching up- women at such age sort of pressing red button. I can't say that I won't feel pressured, yet I can only wait and pray. Ps. Mei said one thing- to be vulnerable. To continue to feel and to love even though it's a risk and it's vulnerable. To be vulnerable,yet I asked God for wisdom- to be focused on His timing. The road seems unclear, yet I wanna trust Him, I have to trust Him- the Giver of all good things.
Prayer meet last week was good- Kasturi asked what's the prayer need? For myself I wanna pray for a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone (Ezekial 36- if I'm not mistaken) To put His Spirit in my heart- to have a heart of flesh and Spirit and not heart of stone. I need that transformation. That in my encounter woth others- in my relationship I will not placed and reason with my minds, or to expect or to label, yet to be myself- learning others strength and accepting others weakness. Help me Lord I prayed!
